It was August 1st. Now almost 3 weeks ago. I have been contemplating sharing this with the world because it is so rough to think about let alone write about and share. Three sentences in and I’m already holding back tears as I write this.
I understand there may be some judgement for this post. There is nothing that you can tell me that I haven’t already told myself, I promise. But after meeting a couple of people that have been through the same thing with their children, I found that sharing had it’s benefits.
As I said, it was August 1st. The kids and I were having a really great morning together. They had spent some time drawing with chalk outside. Playing and getting along.
I was making pancakes for breakfast. Pancakes and maple syrup. When it was ready the boys got up in their seats eager and ready to eat. They each had their replay plates with their favorite breakfast. We don’t have a dining table in our home so we all eat at our bar height island. I had Lily’s Bumbo booster seat strapped to the bar stool as usual. The boys were eating and I had her next to them, pulled away from the island counter. But she didn’t like it. She reached out towards the island, trying to set her pancake down on the counter like her bubbas were doing. So I scooted her closer. I had her just pulled out enough so that her little feet couldn’t reach the underside of the counter.
I went around to the other side of the island. Not even 4 feet away from her. This part is kind of fuzzy. But because she couldn’t reach to kick the underside of the counter, she put her feet on top and kicked off. She was strapped on, so she fell straight back with the bar stool and hit the back of her head on our tile floor. At that moment I got her as fast as I could. She was blacking out. Her eyes rolling to the back of her head. At this moment I thought I had killed my baby. I knew she put her feet on top of the counter sometimes. I thought she would be fine. She wasn’t fine. She fell. She was fading away from me. She didn’t even cry when it happened. Immediately she was knocked unconscious. I held her and kept repeating her name. Pleading for her to wake up. She wanted to open her eyes and look at me but her body wouldn’t let her. I took her outside. Hoping that would help. I kept talking to her. She came to but was not herself. She was holding her eyes open longer now but still wanting to close them. She was slowly waking. I called Jake to let him know what was going on and he came home right away.
The ER visit
I kept her awake talking to her, got her in her car seat and left for the ER. She wouldn’t say anything but “mm.” Which is how she says yes. We managed to keep her awake in the car and checked in at the ER. I thought that it would be seen as urgent enough that we would have gone back right away but we waited for around 45 minutes and saw one person go back. We called a different ER, and drove 10 minutes away to the pediatric ER. They checked her vitals and then told us they would call us back as soon as they had a room ready. I walked around with her as we waited there. Still unsure if my baby was going to be okay or if these were our last moments with her. She was pointing and talking a little more but still not herself. I took her outside to look around. I talked to her and prayed and apologized over and over again.
Once we were called back we waited in the room for a little bit. She started playing and acting herself again. This was about an hour and a half later. The doctor came in and examined her. Felt her head, checked her eyes and ears.. She seemed to be back to normal with no external or neurological signs of the trauma. We were told she should be okay and to just watched out for a few things. Mainly vomiting or not acting herself. So we went home just thankful that she was okay and we both stayed home from work to keep an eye on her.
One Week Later
I was at work. It was about 8:30 pm and we were all getting ready to leave and head home. I was up towards the front of the store and heard knocking on the window. I looked immediately and it was Jake with Lily. He said we needed to take her to the ER right away. He was brushing her hair back and noticed that her head was soft. She had developed a pretty big hematoma on her precious little head. So we went to the ER. They examined her and did a CT scan. That’s when we found out that she had a skull fracture. One week after her fall. She hadn’t been acting like she was in pain but I am so thankful that Jake noticed when he did. We had been rubbing her head and kissing her especially throughout the week after her fall, so we knew it was definitely something that was new. Which was scary.
The CT Scan Results
The CT scan showed a fracture, hematoma and bleeding on her brain. We were then transferred by ambulance to a hospital with pediatric neurosurgeons so that she could have the best care and in case she would need surgery. We arrived at about 1:30 am. We were given an ER room and they monitored her. Around 5 am they did another CT scan to compare the 2. The scan showed that she was not continuing to bleed. We waited there for about 8 more hours before hearing anything back. The neurosurgeons had called with their response and the doctor let us know what the results from the second scan were. She would not need surgery. Her body would absorb the blood and the fracture would heal on its own. While we were glad she didn’t need surgery, it just didn’t feel right that we would be going home and nothing could be done to help our sweet baby girl’s head.
At this point the doctor showed us the CT scans and thoroughly explained everything so that we would feel better about leaving. The main risk they told us to look out for was seizures which can happen with pressure on her brain. However, as her body absorbs the blood the risk goes down. We noticed the next day that there had been significant improvement and she has been healing quickly ever since. So far no seizures and no soft boggyness on her head. So now we just wait for it to heal like any other bone, 4-6 weeks.
I’m sharing this because I know I’m a good mother. My children are my life. I know that there are other moms that look up to me and I want them to know that no parent is perfect and that things happen. Yes, I have guilt from this. I’ve beat myself up and tore myself down more than anybody else could. We are blessed that she didn’t need surgery and she doesn’t have brain damage.
I never thought anything like this would really happen. Especially to my baby girl. I am generally a helicopter, careful mama. I honestly felt like things like this only happen to other people. I am too close and too involved with my kids. But nope. And after having been through it and meeting other mamas who have been through it, I’ve gone from feeling like I don’t even deserve to be a mama to my kids, to understanding that ACCIDENTS HAPPEN. If you’ve ever been through something BIG like this with your babies, I hope this post helps you to understand that you are not alone. That beating yourself up about it won’t turn any of it around.
We live, we make mistakes and we learn. Of course I am going to be more mindful after all of this, but it had taken a lot of crying and tears and talking with Jake to remember that I am a good mom. I take great care of my children and love them like nothing else. But I am NOT perfect. I thank God everyday for protecting her where I couldn’t.
My beautiful baby girl. My best friend. ❤